Jeff Dunham+Penut Xmas story

JD: Okay Penut right now were going to do something a little different

P: -gasp- Your gonna be funny? Its a christmas miracle! Lets all hold hands and sing Kumbaya

JD: No what i'd like to do is somehing thats been a tradition in my family for many years.

P: Were going to get drunk and throw up.

JD: No what i'd like to do is i'd like to read everyone the story The Night Before Christmas

P: Haha nooo...

JD: This will be good

P: No it will suck

JD: It will be fine

P: no

JD:ye-

P: No

(they keep interrupting each other)

(Jeff takes out the book)

P: What you have the book? Oh my lord! (looks at audience) i am so sorry (looks at Jeff) look if your gonna insist on reading this lame-ass 120 year old story we oughta have some good music.

JD: We have that.

P: Oh good why dont we have guitar guy come out?

(guitar guy enters)

P: Hey. Good to see you. Thanks for taking out time between your drug sessions on the bus back there

JD: He doesn't do drugs

P: Oh yes he doooeeesss!

JD: How do you know that?

P: Before the show he and i were backstage talking about comedy.

JD: okay

P: And i asked him for some good lines

JD: Yea

P: And he gave me a straw

(Guitar guy sneers at Penut who alse "sneers" back)

P: You know how else i know you do drugs? Your looking me in the eye and you think im actually looking back

JD: Alright lets do the story

P:Whatever

JD: Okay. -takes a deep breath- And now the Night Before
Christmas--

P: This would be a good time for the Muslims to go to the bathroom

JDglares at Penut) 'Twas the night before christmas--

P: And all the Jews were at the movies

JD: (looks at Penut then starts over) 'Twas the night before christmas and all through the house--

P: Whys it always gotta be a house?

JD: What?

P: Theres kids who live in apartments. How does Santa Clause get to the kids in the apartments Uncle Jeffy???
They have to buzz his ass in. -buzz buzz- (Penut does Santa Clause impression) Santa Claus

JD: (Jeff looks at Penut then begins to read again) And all through the apartments not a creature was stirring--

P: Except for the assholes in 2B

JD: (Jeff gives Penut a weird look and continues on.) Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse--

P: You wish. You're in an apartment. That's a rat.

JD: (Jeff looks annoyed) The stockings were hung by the chiminy with care--

P: And belive me the room could use some fresh air

JD: (Jeff looks annoyingly at Penut)

P: Seriously how the heck did that tradition start?  Hanging up dirty
laundry hoping Santa would fill it with goodies (Makes retching sounds.)
"I'd like to suck on this candy cane but it smells like dads feet."
Good thing the tradition wasn't jockstraps.
"Sally what's in yours?" "Nuts."

JD: You are ruining this story!

P: You're the pervert eatin out of your own jockstrap

JD: (ignores Penut and continues) With mommy in her kerchief and i in my cap had just settled down--

P: For a big snort of crack. Oh guitar guy your in the story too!
Well you have to get to the part where Santa gets busted for breaking and entering.

JD: It's not breaking and entering!

P: Keep reading i think it qualifies!

JD: (keeps reading) As i drew in my head and was turning around, Down the chiminy came St. Nicholas with a bound--

P: He fell down?

JD: Yes.

P: Doesnt it say his face was all red?

JD: Ye--

P: Why doesnt anyone ever see this? He is drunk off his ass! This is a horrible horrible story!

JD: (continues reading) He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, his clothes all tarnished with ashes and soot--

P: Fat, drinking and driving, in a furry gay outfit, covered in soot --hes smoking and you let him in the house because he said he had something for your kids. What the hell kind of father are you anyway?
If i were you i would check his Id and taser his fat ass! I mean how fat is this guy anyway?
Everyones always leaving him a plate full of cookies i think hes a diabetic too dont you think?
You gotta leave him a plate full of insulin how bout that?
Can't wait to hear their story next year.
"Night Before Christmas part two: Santas on dyalisis and hes missing a leg."
And all his little dollies have Poliosis (cross between scoliosis and polio. lmao)

JD: Can i finish this story?

P: oh Please do

JD: He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle--

P:  got to go quick cause theres a cop with a pistol

JD: but i heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight--

P: Merry christmas to all. Oh crap i ran over your bike